5 Things I Learned from Managing My Mother’s Money

As her mom’s financial caregiver and estate planner, Beth Pinsker flew about 20,000 miles (10 round trips from Brooklyn, New York, to Florida), spent hundreds of hours on the phone sorting out money issues and even more time filling out forms. Three years after she took on this challenge, and two years since her mom died, she still deals with unfinished paperwork. Pinsker wrote a book based on her experiences, with added research and conversations with experts, called My Mother’s Money. She shares her five biggest lessons:

It’s all about love.

Most of what you have to do as a financial caregiver is a huge slog. Why do it? Because of the people in our lives whom we love and who love us. Organizing and saving are about making life easier for everyone involved. So listen and help. My mom was particularly obsessed with her funeral arrangements because she didn’t want anyone to go through what she experienced when my father died: The cemetery dug his grave in the wrong spot, which we didn’t figure out until we walked up to the plot for his burial.

Durable power of attorney is the most important document you need.

It’s also the hardest to use. A will is the cornerstone of estate planning, but I found it more important that my mom had a notarized durable power of attorney form during her final illness. When somebody is sick, there are deadlines, and there’s no time for months of court hearings — it’s better to have documents already in place that allow you to handle their affairs. Be forewarned that banks, in particular, make it difficult to use power of attorney because of potential fraud. I hit a hard “no” when I first took my mom’s power of attorney to her bank. One estate lawyer I interviewed for the book had to sue a bank to get them to accept her client’s designation. We both had to stand our ground to get what we needed.

Know your rights so you know when not to give in.

I also had battles with Medicare, Social Security, and my mom’s long-term care insurance. What kept me going was thorough research of our rights. I fought the hardest when the rehab facility kept trying to discharge my mom, even though she had Medicare coverage left. It would have cost us $400 a day to pay for the facility ourselves. We won two appeals, and then I wrote the CEO a letter (the full version is in the book), and the orders to leave stopped.

The best decision isn’t always the rational one.

When somebody is sick, almost all the decisions you have to make feel bad. It’s also hard to spend somebody else’s money. My mother was frugal her whole life, but when I was in charge of her finances, I faced spending decisions that determined her immediate quality of life. Was it worth $700 for an upgraded mattress for the hospital bed? Yes.

Things won’t always go smoothly.

My breaking point was an outstanding home equity line of credit that held up the sale of my mom’s condo. There was no record of it in her files, and I had no idea where to start. I put my life on hold for two days to unravel the mystery, which I was able to do once I found a clue deep in her AOL mailbox. But I still got the big things right. I knew my mom’s wishes all along, and we knew that we loved each other. We had no family fights over inheritances because we talked about everything ahead of time. Communication equaled peace for us.