8 HABITS TO TAME CAREGIVING PERFECTIONISM

Perfection in anything is a myth, and caregiving is no exception. Caregivers are often “learning on the job,” which makes perfection an unrealistic and impossible goal, says Elizabeth Miller, a certified caregiving consultant and founder of the Happy, Healthy Caregiver blog and podcast. 

“Striving for perfect caregiving is a myth and a dangerous one,” says Miller. “We’re learning on the job and the pressure to get it all right just leads to burnout. Sustainable caregiving means giving yourself grace, setting boundaries and showing up consistently — not perfectly.” Here are eight essential ways to support you on that path. 

1. Focus on what went well – When feelings of failure creep in, shift your focus to what did go right. Even small wins like keeping your loved one at home longer, advocating for better care or insurance coverage, or simply showing up day after day deserve recognition. 

2. Recognize codependency and its impact – Relationships with care recipients can become emotionally codependent. “There were no boundaries. I confused love with total dedication and loyalty. Therapy helped me see the difference,” [says one caregiver, Jeannette Yates]. 

3. Practice self-forgiveness – Caregivers often judge themselves harshly, especially after their loved one passes or transitions to a long-term care facility. [Forgive] yourself after the fact by remembering what you were truly facing at the time: exhaustion, stress, and limited options. 

4. Spend quality time, not just doing caregiving tasks – Miller recommends preserving your role as a family member, not just as a task-oriented caregiver. [Try] something fun or personal like playing cards, coloring or watching a favorite show together. 

5. Set realistic expectations – Perfectionism sets impossible standards. Stay grounded in what’s realistically achievable. Focus on meeting your loved one’s actual needs, not on doing everything yourself or living up to idealized caregiving myths. 

6. Seek therapy – Therapy helped [Yates] recognize and accept limits and that being a good caregiver does not mean doing everything alone or saying yes to every demand, says Yates. 

7. Ask for help and information early – Many caregivers feel like they failed simply because they weren’t adequately prepared. [Ask] the right questions before taking on medical tasks at home — whether it’s managing a feeding tube or performing physical therapy. 

8. Define boundaries – Early on, Miller felt constantly “on call” until she realized it wasn’t sustainable. She began setting clear boundaries, discerning emergencies from nonurgent needs and scheduling regular visits with her mom.“Boundaries didn’t mean I loved her less; it just meant that I was finally showing up in a way that we could both live with.”